351. Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away?
Or is that just one of granny’s myths?
352. Someone told me that it’s impossible to make a pun about vegetables.
I said that’s not nececelery true.
353. My dad was a stalker.
I'm following in his footsteps
354. If you can think of a better fish pun let minnow.
355. My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
356. The last woman who broke my heart was hard to get over.
Until I shifted into four-wheel drive.
357. I never thought I would turn into my dad.
Until I pulled into my driveway and ran over him.
358. What do you do when there's a sink standing outside your door?
You let that sink in.
359. What do you call a snobbish prisoner going down the stairs?
A condescending con descending.
360. I know a surgeon who specializes in sex reassignment.
He's a real womanizer.
361. What did Beethoven do after he died?
He decomposed.
362. What do you call a row of bunnies moving backwards?
A receding hare line.
363. "Does this uniform make me look fat?"
Asked by the newest insecurity guard.
364. What's the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
365. My wife asked the surgeon if he could re-attach my severed arm.
He said he couldn't re-member.
366. Stan was the best liver surgeon at his hospital. He always de-livered.
367. If two rival car dealerships had a shared parking area, they would have a lot in common.
368. Making puns is very rewording.
369. I don't trust new cafés because they fill me with uncertain tea.
370. In Iran, everyone’s scared of spiders.
But In Iraq, no phobia.
371. People are complaining about this invisible magazine but I don’t see the issue.
372. Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud."
“Yes sir,” came the reply, “It’s fresh ground.”
373. The mountains around here aren't just funny.
They're hill areas.
374. Bought a new hair piece for just $5.
It was a small price toupee.
375. Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Disney collection. Except Up.
He’s never gonna give you Up.
376. If all 't's were silent we'd never hear the end of it.
377. Wanna fork?
Not-to-knife, but as spoon as I feel better.
378. A fly feels a bug land on its back.
"Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?" the fly asked.
"I might be," giggled the mite.
"That's the worst pun I've ever heard," groaned the fly.
"What do you expect?" said the mite.
"I came up with it on the fly."
379. Did you hear about the old chameleon that couldn't change color?
He had a reptile dysfunction.
380. Silly Putty implies the existence of Serious Putty.
381. Did you hear about the escaped convict with a speech impediment?
He couldn’t finish his sentence.
382. Want to hear a joke about a bed?
Sorry, it hasn't been made yet.
383. What do you call an incestuous nephew?
An aunt-eater.
384. Hear the one about the jurisprudence fetishist?
He got off on a technicality.
385. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
386. Podiums! Now that's a product I can stand behind!
387. What do you call a man with a rubber toe?
Roberto
388. I just bought a new car. Should I fear getting the car-owner virus?
389. What do you call a vampire who thinks the earth is flat?
No-sphere-ratu
390. Baby Changing stations, great idea. Problem is nobody ever restocks them, I've had the same stupid kids for 30 years.
391. The Flat Earth Society has Members all over the globe.
392. Police found the criminal shot to death, with an exit wound but no entry wound.
They think it was an inside job.
393. I was at the climbing center yesterday, but someone had stolen all the grips from the wall. Honestly, you couldn't make it up.
394. What's a plumber's favorite food?
A leek.
395. Levi Strauss was a jeanious.
396. Never get into an argument between creationists and evolutionists.
You'll just be comparing apples and origins.
397. A friend from Morocco gave me a recipe for some delicious rolls to have with dinner. But the recipe calls for fresh thyme. I only have the dried stuff and I am pretty sure it's expired.
Never know. I might like that old thyme Moroccan roll.
398. After years of teasing my girlfriend about her anorexia, she finally snapped.
399. My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I'm camping I won't be covered.
400. I went to the Air and Space museum, but there was nothing there.
401. This man was raped by a group of mimes.
They performed unspeakable acts on him.
402. It’s cleaning day today. I’ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.
403. I heard that dolphins have vestigial legs. It seems evolution defeeted the porpoise.
404. Inheritance taxes are getting way out of line. The deceased's family often doesn't have a legacy to stand on.
405. I can't stand being paralyzed.
406. Boy George was attacked by his pet lizard.
He's going to get a calmer chameleon.
407. How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buck an ear.
408. Coincide: What you do when it rains.
Acoustic: An item used in billiards.
409. A plaintiff with feverish symptoms asks the judge for medication. Motrin denied.
410. There's a serious potato borne lung infection going around. Tuber-culosis
411. My extra sensitive toothpaste doesn't like it when I use other toothpastes.
412. Why should you never make fun of a fat girl with a lisp?
Because she's probably thick and tired of it!
413. Girl in therapy: "I keep seeing images of Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck !"
Shrink: "I see. And how long have you been having these Disney spells?"
414. My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name but I called her Bluff.
415. I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.
416. What did Al Gore play on his guitar?
An Algorithm
417. Hey officer, how did the hackers escape?
I don't know, they just ransomware.
418. Breaking news: Man killed by Steamroller.
Police not sure what happened as evidence is a little thin.
419. I lost my wife's audio-book and now I'll never hear the end of it.
420. I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
421. I asked a girl in Peru if she wanted to go on a picnic.
She said, "Sure, alpaca lunch."
422. I walked past a shop selling a TV with a sign:
"TV for sale. $1. volume stuck on full"
I thought, "I can't turn that down!"
423. In high school, some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them.
It turns out it was just clique bait.
424. I think there are about 1-2 million baseball fields in the world but that's just a ballpark number.
425. My life is an open book, but it's poorly written and I die in the end.
426. Pink Panthers to do list
To do
To do
To do,to do,to do,to do,to dooooo
427. Midwife for sale. Can deliver.
428. My Swedish car broke down..
It's a real Saab story...
429. I’ve said it once and I’ve said it again.
And I’ve said it a third time.
430. Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlor to get a tattoo...
It wouldn't wash off this morning, so I went back to complain, but the tattoo parlor wasn't there.
431. In the sixties and seventies, Mick Jagger was
constantly undergoing paternity tests, but it was like trying to get blood out of a stone.
432. How does a cucumber become a pickle?
It goes through a jarring experience.
433. What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
434. What building in New York has the most stories?
The public library!
435. What did one volcano say to the other?
I lava you.
436. What do you call a robot that takes the long way around?
R2 detour
437. What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between us, something smells!
438. I'm addicted to having money in the bank, but now I'm suffering from withdrawals.
439. The worst pub I've ever been to was called the Fiddle...
It really was a vile inn.
440. Me to plastic surgeon:
"Have you ever been asked to do anything really unusual?"
Plastic surgeon: "No, but I have raised a few eyebrows."
441. I'm not a neat freak. Just thought I'd clear that up.
442. They call me Captain Obvious. Why, do you ask?
Because I always state the obvious.
443. My wife left me recently because I am a compulsive gambler.
All I can think about is how to win her back.
444. I was arrested in Jamaica for drug smuggling and soon had a trial. The worst thing about going on trial in Jamaica is, you usually end up with a dreadlocked jury.
445. What do you call a party with 100 midgets?
A little get together.
446. I hear that it's easier to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods, but it's harder to deter gents.
447. I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m.
I’m not really a mourning person.
448. I would like to share a pun about the tropical birds who got stuck together but it's toucan fusing.
449. Never challenge Old Man Death to a pillow fight unless you’re ready to face the reaper cushions.
450. Some people enjoy forcefully expelling air from their lungs, but I'm not a fan.
451. Somebody just gave me a free air guitar. No strings attached.
452. What do you call a group of baby soldiers?
An infantry.
453. Did you hear what the couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their kid?
Manuel. He grew up to be a laborer.
454. I donated a lot of money to disabled gymnasts in Eastern Europe this year. They contacted my bank to let me know that "the invalid Czechs were bouncing." It was great news !
455. I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me, my arms for always being by my side and my fingers, I could always count on them.
456. There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a threatening looking wash basin on the doorstep. I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
457. I was going to open a new funeral parlor but I realized it was quite an undertaking.
458. Scientists have just revealed what they believe to be the leading cause of dry skin.
Towels.
459. I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning
Being a sniper is awesome.
460. I gave my sister away at her wedding. I stood up and shouted, "She used to be a man !"
461. A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I,told him that people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.
462. I contacted someone to replace the old wood on my floor.
I’m still waiting for a re-ply.
463. My girlfriend is fed up with my constant wordplay jokes, so I asked her, "How can I stop my addiction?"
"Whatever means necessary," she replied.
"No it doesn't," I said.
464. Orion’s Belt is a big waist of space.
465. If you would like to help with the restoration of our local jewelry store, please give us a ring.
466. I went to my first Arsonist Support Group meeting last night. I lit up the room.
467. Our neighbor said she wasn't having a baby any time soon, but contractions speak louder than words.
468. My friend just got hired to be a human cannonball, but he quit before he got fired.
469. What did the coffee say to the cream? It's really hard to espresso myself, but I like you a latte.
470. I got a pet chicken, his name is Marco.
Marco Pollo.
471. I heard a good joke about Bill Clintons' wife. It was Hillaryious!
472. The beaver said to the tree, "It's been nice gnawing you."
473. My wife got a face tattoo of her favorite Star Wars character.
You should see the Luke on her face.
474. Dad, are we a family of pyromaniacs?
Yes, yes we arson.
475. Procrastinators are the leaders of tomorrow.
476. If you throw a cat out of a car window is that considered kitty litter?
477. I know several jokes in sign language. I guarantee nobody has ever heard them.
478. 100 million people in this country are overweight but that's just a round figure.
479. I entered a contest where the grand prize was a large shopping center, but I lost.
I can't win the mall.
480. The firefighters in Greece are making the fire worse...
You aren't supposed to use water on Greece fires.
481. I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked passed the kitchen, I saw a man frying chips.
I asked him, "Are you the Friar?"
He replied, "No, I'm the chip monk."
482. I've decided to make my own beer. I'll call it Responsibly, that way competitors will do all my advertising. Please drink Responsibly!
483. Making a boat out of stone would definitely be a hardship.
484. Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 is a registered 6 offender.
485. 6:30 is the best time on the clock, hands down
486. I won gold at a weather forecasting event.
I beat the raining champion.
487. My girlfriend borrowed a hundred dollars from me. After three years, when we separated, she returned exactly $100.
I lost Interest in that relationship.
488. I didn't want to buy leather shoes, but eventually I was suede.
489. I used to be afraid of gardening, but then I grew a pear.
490. My daughter was so angry with me when I told her I got her piano lessons
That's when I found out she was prone to violins.
491. I used to be in a band called “Sold Out”...
Our gig posters looked great, but no-one ever came.
492. My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago...
She just can’t seem to let it go.
493. A new restaurant has opened in my town, serving the meat of exotic animals. I just had the pelican.
It was delicious but the bill was enormous.
494. Double negatives are a no-no.
495. Call me crazy, but, I don't trust those drunks down at Guinness to be keeping track of the world's records.
496. My wife and daughter are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.
"And they're off!"
497. My daughter doesn't get asked out as often as her friends. I think she feels outdated.
498. I've never been married, but I've had a few near Mrs.
499. A jellyfish walks into a hardware store and buys ten drills.
500. Paper or plastic?
Either, I'm bisacktual..
501. I had a good joke about Jonestown, but apparently the punchline was too long.
502. The first scientists to study fog must have been mistified.
503. David Hasselhoff told his agent that he wants to be known as Hoff from now on.
Agent: Sure David. No hassle.
504. Hulk Hogan: Doc, I had to struggle through manic-depression all my career!
Therapist: Are you saying you had to wrestle mania?
505. Boxer: "Coach, my sparring partner called in sick, can I train alone today?"
Coach: "Knock yourself out."
506. Why did the blind man fall into the well?
Because he couldn't see that well.
507. I hate having to explain myself. Don't ask me why.
508. I quit cold turkey last year.
Been heating it up ever since.
509. I just swallowed a dictionary..
It gave me thesaurus throat I’ve ever had.
510. I refuse to work with compost. It's degrading.
511. My wife and I split up over my constant use of horoscope puns...
In the end, it Taurus apart.
512. I had a date tonight. It was pretty sweet.
Next, I’m gonna try a fig.
514. Wouldn't it be ironic to die in the living room?
515. I'm not going to make jokes from mixed metaphors - too many other people have milked that bandwagon already.
516. The UPS guy was fired for joking around at work.
The boss said he had to work on his delivery
517. What do you get when you combine a cow, a duck, a piece of wood, and a rhino?
Cow the duck wood rhino?
518. Just bought crayons for the grandkids.
I made sure to buy enough to make my kin scrawl.
519. Some people don't think Justin is the prime minister of Canada.
It's Trudeau.
520. Cows have hooves instead of feet because they lactose.
521. I ordered a pillow case from a questionable web site. Sure enough, as soon as I opened the package, I discovered it was a sham.
522. I've already heard seven cancer puns today..
If I hear tumor, it's gonna benign.
523. I replaced my dad's shaving cream with mayonnaise.
He shouted "what the Hellman!"
524. Do you know any eye jokes?
The cornea the better.
525. You can see the blood in your veins if you look varicosely.
526. I was forced to dress up in a half man, half horse costume.
I hate being the centaur of attention.
527. Mr. Spock actually had three ears. His left ear, his right ear, and a final front ear.
528. Engineers recently developed polyethylene sails for boats. It's been clear sailing ever since.
529. What do you call birds that stick together?
Velcrows.
530. Why did they arrest all the pigeons in the city?
They were afraid of a coo.
531. If my wife was a Transformer her name would be Amazon Prime.
532. The Earth means the world to me.
533. I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
534. I have a twin brother with a lisp. He's the spitting image of me.
535. Why did the priest giggle?
Mass hysteria.
536. I told my suitcases we're not going on vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
537. Bullets are really weird because they only do their job after they’re fired.
538. A bomb went off in a clothing store...
Needless to say, there were many casual tees.
539. The only birthday gift I got this year was a deck of sticky playing cards and I find that very hard to deal with.
540. Yesterday I met Darth Vader's corrupt brother Taxi Vader.
541. What do you call a chicken that looks at a salad? Chicken sees a salad.
542. Why won’t cannibals eat divorced women?
They’re very bitter.
543. My father was a conjoined twin so I called his brother my uncle on my father's side.
But then they were surgically separated, so now he's my uncle once removed.
544. What do you call an ant dipped in chocolate? Decad-ant
545. Why does Santa go down the chimney?
It soots him.
546. Don't ever join dangerous cults. Practice safe sects
547. We all know that the Big Apple is in New York...
But doesn’t anyone know where the Minneapolis?
548. A hermit was pulled over by the police and charged with recluse driving.
549. I flirted with disaster last night.
Now, disaster won't stop texting me.
550. Before my surgery, the anesthetist offered to use knockout gas or whack me over the head with a canoe paddle...
It was an ether/oar situation.
551. The Ben & Jerry’s ice cream shop in Washington DC has a new flavor just in time for the holidays!
Peach Mint
552. Norway and Swedish Naval fleets now equipped with bar codes.
To Scandinavian when they return to port!
553. People think I'm an idiot just because I'm a homeless man that asks people to debate with me.
I beg to differ.
554. What do elves do when they get home from school?
Gnomework.
555. Why doesn't the sun go to college?
It already has a million degrees.
556. Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.
557. I just read a good book. Dash to the Outhouse by Willy Makeit and Betty Dont.
558. Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is like?
No sun.
559. A female janitor at my building asked me if I wanted to smoke some weed with her.
I politely declined. I can't deal with high maintenance women.
560. A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
561. A smart phone and a firework were arrested last night. One was charged and the other let off.
562. A funeral can be realfun. If you're dyslexic.
563. I lost my book on how to cure an itch.
I guess I'll have to start from scratch
564. My aunt's star sign was cancer, so it's kind of ironic how she died.
She was eaten by a giant crab.
565. I said to my wife, "The grandkids are spoiled."
She said, "All little kids smell that way."
566. If you've never played darts blindfolded, you don't know what you're missing.
567. Why are low-carb diets so controversial ?
They go against the grain.
568. Last night I slept under my car. I wanted to get up oily this morning.
570. I make sure to never fart in public. I'm a private tooter.
571. There was an earthquake in Washington DC this morning.
It's obviously the government's fault.
572. Smaller babies may be delivered by stork, but the heavier ones need a crane.
573. A man on a tractor has just driven passed me shouting, "The end of the world is nigh!"
It was Farmer Geddon.
574. Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.
575. Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.
576. Why was the pediatrician always losing his temper?
Because he had little patients.
577. Relationships are like algebra.
You look at your X and wonder Y.
578. You could say it was an emotional wedding.
Even the cake was in tears.
579. Would anybody like some old copies of Chiropractor Monthly? I’ve got a lot of back issues.
580. Got a job at the new guillotine factory. I’ll beheading there shortly.
581. I should give up my job at the library. I’ve had enough of this ssshhhhh.
582. I have a pair of very tight rubber gloves for free if anyone wants to take them off my hands.
583. I'm looking for a pun concerning carpentry.
Does anyone know one that woodwork?
584. My nickname in school was Scarface.
I was really good at knitting.
585. I always wanted to be a Gregorian monk, but I never had the chants.
586. I have finally come to grips with my poor behavior at an event last fall. I realize now that at the Oktoberfest party when they ran out of sausages, it really brat the wurst out in me.
587. I love immortality jokes. They never get old.
588. A Thesaurus is great. There's just no other word for it.
589. Did you just stand there while I fell over and dropped all the laundry?!?
Yes, I watched it all unfold.
590. Last night I dreamt I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda.
Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
591. "I have a split personality," said Tom, being Frank.
592. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
593. I occasionally enjoy leaning on things when I’m so inclined.
594. Farting is your ass referring to itself in the turd person.
595. I prefer to have my milk churned. It’s butter that way.
596. A cannibal came home late to dinner and got the cold shoulder.
597. I went into a library today and asked if they had any books on shelves.
598. How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
Give her a couple of test tickles.
599. Man with Coronavirus seeks women with Lyme disease..
600. In high school, I studied abroad.
Her father almost killed me over it!
601. I invested some money in a birth-control company but now I'm having second thoughts.
I'm considering pulling out.
602. I am terrified of elevators. I’m going to start taking steps to avoid them.
603. My wife left me due to my obsession with pasta.
I'm feeling cannelloni right now.
604. Finland just closed their borders.
I guess no one will be crossing the Finnish line.
605. I met someone online who shares my fetish of urinating on dried fruit.
We’re going to go on a date next week.
606. "Diana!" I said, greeting my mother-in-law.
She said, "My name's Anna."
I said, "Yeah, I know."
607. A Pony with a bad cough is a little hoarse.
608. Put my grandma on speed dial. I call that Instagram.
609. Nobody believed me when I told them I can chop down a tree just by looking at it, but I saw it with my own two eyes.
610. It probably isn’t safe for me to be driving my car right now, but hey, bad brakes have never stopped me before.
611. Yesterday I ate two pieces of string and they came out today tied together.
I shit you knot.
612. My boss said he is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
613. Whenever my sister is crying, I always ask
"Are you having a crisis?"
614. I bet you can't name two structures that can hold water..
Well, dam.
615. They've just found Gomer's Pile in Elton's John.
616. If someone wants to say the word “motel” backwards, just letom.
617. I'll stop at nothing to avoid using negative numbers.
618. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 was a registered 6 offender.
619. I really need a diet plan that will take my breadth away.
620. My wife is into expensive and rare perfumes. She has no common scents.
621. My granddad used to be in the army until he ate all the rations.
He was shot for desserting.
622. Catholic Church releases new aftershave:
Eau My God
623. I bought a new shrub trimmer today and I must say, it’s cutting hedge technology.
624. I've decided to try my hand at writing diet books.
I'm told they appeal to a very wide audience.
625. Be a minimalist. It's the least you can do.
626. The wife is on a tropical food diet, the house is full of the stuff.
It's enough to make a mango crazy.
627. At the lizard school, which students would be the ones keeping order?
The monitors.
628. I just saw a girl who had a beautiful face, but a huge gut. What a waist!
629. I bought a locket today and put a photo of myself inside.
Now I really am independent.
630. Got a second hand book today, a guide to surgical procedures.
Opened it up and the appendix was missing.
631. What can one parrot do? Not as much as toucan.
632. What do you do if a maxipad catches fire?
Tampon it.
633. I'm regretting hiding myself in a suitcase. I just got carried away.
634. Don’t stare at a glass of water.
Take a pitcher it’ll last longer.
635. What kind of award did the dentist receive?
A little plaque.
636. Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? He had no body to dance with.
637. I like to have my pie first, then my salad, and then my entrée.
I have a serious eating disorder.
638. If you're a Repo Man, what you seize is what you get.
639. If Russia invaded Turkey from the rear would Greece help?
640. I know a lumberjack with a Ph.D
He's a smart feller.
641. My rabbi has a pH of 1. He's an acidic Jew.
642. Just wrote a book on how to increase the size of your basement.
It's already a big cellar.
643. I hope Elon Musk does not get involved in any major scandal.
Because Elon-gate will go on forever.
644. How do you get down off an elephant?
You don't, you get it from a duck.
645. Women who like to iron find their pleasure in creases.
646. I always avoid driving in HOV lanes because I don’t want to develop car pool tunnel syndrome.
657. My wife and I bought a waterbed recently and since then, we’ve drifted apart.
658. Do I think that education is getting too expensive? To a degree, yes.
659. You can’t plant flowers if you haven’t botany.
670. If every letter “t” was silent, we’d never hear the end of it.
671. It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
672. I bet the butcher $20 that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
673. Chemically speaking, alcohol is a solution.
674. Why did Kermit cross the busy road ?
To Kermit suicide.
675. I'm dating a bricklayer.
It's cement to be.
676. A teacher at a school for obese children has been fired for taking cocaine. He was given away by his massive pupils.
677. Why did the crab cross the road?
It didn't, it used the sidewalk.
678. If you're fat, and offended by fat jokes, lighten up.
679. When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding.
680. The wife and I are going to drive from Dallas to Houston, just to see how long it Texas.
Ok, that joke was Austin-tacious.
681. My temptation to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is never more than a whim away.
682. What's the opposite of mini golf ?
Macro polo
683. I went to a fortune teller. She said she had a headache, so I offered her some aspirin, medium strength.
684. I said to my wife, “Did you hear my last pun?”
She replied, “I hope so!”
685. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
686. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
687. I used to own a Delorean but I only drove it from time to time.
688. At their annual conventions, ornithologists tend to flock together.
689. I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.
690. I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It's a complex complex complex.
691, What did the chimpanzee say when his sister had a baby?
"Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle."
692. I have a few jokes about unemployed people.
But none of them work.
693. Knowing how to pick locks has really opened a lot of doors for me.
694. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
695. Shout out to people who don't know what the opposite of in is!
696. If life throws you melons you might be dyslexic.
697. I make apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
698. Dyslexics untie!
699. Thanks for explaining the word 'many' to me, it means a lot.
700. Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I can do it with my eyes closed.
701. I was addicted to soap. I'm clean now.
702. When I found out that my microwave wasn't waterproof, I was shocked.
703. Why didn't the lifeguard save the hippie? Because he was too far out, man.
704. What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on a head while I give these two a lift.
705. You know what makes me smile?
Facial muscles.
706. What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A baboom.
707. Unfortunately, my obese parrot just died.
It's a huge weight off my shoulders.
708. I buy my guns from a guy known as "T-Rex." He's a small arms dealer.
709. For a song called Piano Man the dude with the harmonica won't shut the hell up.
710. Never underestimate an underachiever. We're capable of less than you think.
711. I'm no proctologist, but I know an asshole when I see one.
712. My grief counselor died last week.
He was so good I couldn't care less.
713. Did you hear about that Hollywood actress who got stabbed? It was, umm, Reese, uh, Reese, um...
"Witherspoon?"
No, with a knife.
714. Just bought a top-of-the-line universal remote control. This changes everything.
715. I’ve just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. The first couple of chapters were awful, but by the end I loved it...
716. I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
717. How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?
718. One of them is an elephant.
719. I think my doctor really likes my choice of sensible footwear, because I overheard him telling his colleague that I had, "Serious healthy shoes."
720. That’s a nice ham you’ve got there. It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end.
721. I can't stand people who are indirect. You know who you are.
722. I just bought a gallon of White Out. Big mistake.
723. Someone called me pretentious the other day. I nearly choked on my latte.
724. A blind, deaf mute was arrested for homicide last night. It was a senseless murder.
725. A Cannibal went for a walk in the woods and farted as he passed his Uncle.
726. I know that wherever my dad is, he's looking down on me.
He's not dead, just very condescending.
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